Now, the restaurant was busy and she knew that we had already paid and so she wasn’t coming back to our table to check on us. This made it very difficult for Matthew to personally hand her the tip. She did however have another table to the left of ours and each time she came to serve them he hopped up and stood beside her to her left. And every time she did not notice him and turned to her right to walk back to the kitchen.

This happened three times. Each time she came to serve them he hopped up and stood patiently to her left and each time she did not see him and returned to the kitchen to her right. The next time she walks out of the kitchen Matthew promptly hops up, walks around our table and gets on the other side of her. This time when she turns to her right he is blocking her path to the kitchen. He politely holds out her tip and says thank you.

I think it is the coolest thing watching little minds work! He kept trying the obvious thing hoping to be noticed but after failing he came up with a solution. Most of us at the table suggested talk to her, poke her, get her attention, but he figured it all out on his own and I love the other way he found to get her attention- he watched her routine and he got in her way…ha! brilliant.

Lesson for us adults, if at first you don’t succeed, keep trying until you find another way that works.

1. SING. Sing to your child. For me this started in infancy or as early as pregnancy. Don’t be concerned about the sound of your voice, believe me I go flat a lot, do you know what though? My kids don’t really care! I started with the songs my parents sang to me as a child, this actually helped awaken a big piece of childhood in my own heart. If you don’t have memories like that, it’s okay, pick out some songs you like and start the tradition in your own home. When my second son was born he wouldn’t stop crying, Chip and I started to sing the song he heard us sing his big brother every night, he calmed down immediately and started to nurse. As your child grows it can be fun to make up your own songs together, and depending on their personality let them preform them for grandparents or friends. If they are to shy, let them write the lyrics and give them to an older sibling or parent to preform- it really is something to watch a child experience something they created, as simple as a song, being shared with attention, respect, and applause by people they love.

2. BIG CIRCLES. Children’s brains are still developing for several years after birth. It can take up to eight years before the brain has completely hard wired itself so to speak. The beauty, and great responsibility, of this as a parent is your opportunity to shape many of their filters. Something you can help with is connecting synapses. So a synapse is basically a bridge that connects the right hemisphere of the brain to the left and vice versa. One side is more analytical and one side is more creative. The more connections they have, and girls typically will create more, the easier it is for them to flow back and forth between logic and feeling. So how does this work? Glad you asked. Make big circles. Basically, any exercise that the child does that creates opportunities for the child to cross one arm up over the head and to the other side is great. So when your doing those art projects, think bigger than that piece of computer paper and get out on the driveway with sidewalk chalk, or tape big pieces of newspaper to the garage walls and paint a big mural together. A set of drums is another good cross over exercise with arms operating separate of one another in different directions.

3. AUTHOR AND ILLUSTRATOR. Become a publishing duo with your child. This is perhaps one of my most favorite things to do with my boys. Staple a bunch of paper together like a book and let you child fill in the pictures. Ask them what it means and write it down for them. These are so fun to read together at bedtime and especially look back at as they grow up. It can even be fun when they are starting to learn to write to let them write the words themselves and then be sure You write what it actually says. These have been hilarious for the boys to look back at and see how they thought something was spelled. But more than that, this exercise, much like the singing memorializes something that matters to them. It gives them a safe place to share their thoughts and ideas. Pretty soon they’ll be writing them all on their own and bringing them to you, too fun to watch confidence grow…

4. VIDEO GAMES. Yup, you betcha. I love video games, now this not for a toddler, but one of our favorites is the lego star wars game. The 3D animation is so identical to the actual scenes in the movie it’s amazing. What I like about playing video games together is it gives you the opportunity to become part of the story. To jump into another persons imagination, props to George Lucas, and create your own adventure. To be part of the story so powerful I talk with many parents that worry there’s too much violence or whatever, that’s why I say play with them. You know your child, watch them, how does it affect them, is it too much? You’ve got to give games a chance first hand, it’s different when the control is in your hands, role play can be intimidating, you’ll know what they are ready for and when, that’s why all the lego games in my opinion are appropriate. Another classic game of adventure is the Mario Brothers games. Again, depending on your childhood, games like zelda, super mario world, and pac man can open doors to your imagination you didn’t even realize were closed.

5. BOOKS. Reading with your child obviously is a no brainer here, we all have heard the benefits of this exercise. But what I’d like to add is this angle. As soon as your child will sit still without pictures, do it. I’d say this happens between 4 and 7. Give them the chance to visualize on their own. This is huge! We have been reading a book by Julie Andrews called, The Very Last Great Whangdoodle. It’s super long, but it’s dripping with imagery. We take one chapter at a time and actually draw the pictures in a separate notebook. We each have our own versions of the Prock, the Whiffle Bird, the Tree Squeeks, and the Whangdoodle himself. This has been so much fun putting to paper what we see in our minds. A great exercise in getting the vision out on paper, and lots of fun too.

6. ART. If your child enjoys art I encourage full creativity. So loose the coloring books. If this is frustrating for your child, don’t push them, let them color in the coloring books. The most important thing here is to encourage the journey. When they feel safe they will continue to explore and learn and grow. And the funnest part is pretty soon, they will be teaching you!!! Another aspect I see is get out of the box, the art box that is. Go outside, or around the house, or in the garage, creating things doesn’t have to be just with crayons and paper- go find sticks and rocks and feather and create a great big masterpiece outside on the patio to enjoy or a centerpiece for the dinner table for everyone to admire. This teaches them to push boundaries and break rules, which may not sound good at face value, but I believe within your guidance can be excellent lessons.

7. ADVENTURES. I have met some parents who think that fantasy and make believe don’t set the child up for the real world. I couldn’t disagree more. Victor Frankel says that the last human freedom is to choose your emotions. How do you suppose one keeps a positive attitude with a mean boss, a loosing season, or in Victors case in a concentration camp…With imagination of course! the ability to “dream a better dream” (Shark boy and Lava girl) is a huge part of the real world. So, take adventures with your child. The weeping willow three in our first backyard was Tarzan’s jungle, the fort under the stairs was our protection of the great dinosaur who wanted to eat us, the coach in the den became a pirate boat that sailed to many a treasures, and underneath the covers of the bed we typically fly to outer space and emerge on alien planets unknown to human kind. Let your child build the dream if you have to, but go there with them, you won’t be dissapointed.

8. and last but not least…BE PRESENT. Children watch us more than we know, they are very good little perceivers too. They pick up on emotion and tone and know if you’re having fun, paying attention, or really even care. You’ve got to ENGAGE. Fight the urge to stand back and be a sideline parent. Jump on the slides, be the green monster that chases them, foster an environment thats safe for ideas and dreams to come alive, and make them come alive for you child, if you don’t do this for them who will?

Part of my personal mission statement that I created back in college says, I will never become too old to play and be silly, neither will I forget the joy I find in laughter. We have an opportunity in childhood, a window in our soul that is open and searching, longing to believe in something. The love of a parent, the man in the moon, the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, we are filled with wonder and new discoveries every day. We are discerning what’s real. This last visit to Disney world the question finally came, is this real, is that real, there’s a line now that didn’t used to be there and unfortunately we all reach some point in life where “we put away childish things” and just grow up.

Which makes me think of an old fairy tale, Peter Pan. It’s a beautiful tale of a little boy who lived in Never Never Land and refused to grow up, but you know, the real hero of the story to me is Wendy Darling (and not because she’s a girl) Wendy stands out and is special to me for a few reasons.

First, she didn’t need to see Never Never Land to believe, she didn’t need the grand adventures to make the world come alive for herself and her two younger brothers John and Michael. Each night she told stories, wildly imaginative stories, Stories filled with swashbuckling chaos, love, and villanry. In fact, it was these stories that lured Peter to her window. The boy who had it all, who never had to grow up, who lived adventure everyday was drawn to Wendy’s stories, why?

And perhaps because of her openess she receives an invitation to go on a journey. What a gift she experienced delving into Neverland, completely and utterly immersing herself in imagination and childhood and dreams. She tasted the marrow of childhood and it was sweet. But unlike Peter she wanted to grow up, she knew that the journey to adulthood would also be an adventure that she wouldn’t want to miss.

The way I see it, Peter was trapped in folly. Sure he had fun everyday but he was afraid of responsibility when in fact responsibility is what gives us purpose. When we have charge over something we are empowered to be our best self and to live outside of ourself. Think about it, even in the smallest sense of the word. Let’s say it’s a goldfish that you brought home- I’d bet its very presence creates a diligence in you that wasn’t there before? Do you check on it daily? Do you ensure it has food and clean water? Yes. why? Because it depends on you. What about a garden, what if you were responsible for a garden, would you tend the soil? See that it got water? Yes. why? Because it wouldn’t grow without you. So what am I getting at? We were made for responsiblity, dominion of earth and sky and sea. But not in a way that would bog us down, in a way that would bring us life, in a way that would give life. There is a verse in the Old Testament scrpitures that says all of creation is longing for the sons and daughters of God to be made manifest in the world. Simply put, the world needs you.

Wendy went back to London, she courageously faced life adolescense, she grew up, she fell in love, she became a mother. The beautiful thing about our leading lady is that as she became an adult she kept her imagination. She carried the heart of a child. You see the heart of a child is not the lawlessness and chaos of a world without structure and rules like Neverland. The heart of a child says anything is possible if you just believe, it says that there are no limits if you try hard hard enough, it says every stranger is one step away of being a lasting friend, it says that if you follow the second star to the right you’ll end up in a mangificently magical world unlike any other… This may seem like head in the could talk to some, like nonsense, like reckless optimism. But I truly believe that the gift of imagination in childhood are our first lessons in hope and faith. And if we can cultivate it in our lives I believe it will keep us from being bogged down by the responsibility and jaded by the adultness of life.

How you ever looked at a child on a playground, you’ve got to admit the carefreeness is desireable. And how about how quickly they get over a bump on the head, or a quarrel with a friend. And how sweet the laughter of a baby- there’s nothing like that deep genuine giggle. When is it that we start caring so deeply what others think of us? What age is it that we stop skipping and singing out loud? When do we stop laughing deeply at the right things and starting laughing at things that cause others pain? How is it that Wendy upon growing up doesn’t loose her ability to imagine? You find her telling stories to her young children and Peter still on the window, still allured by her words…

I long for the freedom of a child’s spirit that laughs at what’s pure, that skips into buildings, and sings with the birds. I live to imagine a world that is brighter, friendships that span cultures, environments that are sustainable, lifetimes that are filled with opportunity and hearts that are filled with love. While I can see that my imaginings may seem unreachable they are the very thing that fill me with hope. And it is this HOPE that will drive me and others take dreams and turn them into realities.

Margaret Mead once said, “Never doubt a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

A few things I’ve learned about running in the cold. (I realize that cold is relative so if it helps it’s been around 30-32 in the mornings, that hits cold in my books)

First things first, cover your ears.  Ear muffs, head band, whatever cover em up! With the wind blowing that cold in your ears it’s just pain waiting to happen.

Second, resist the urge to take shallow breaths, not wanting to commit that frigid air deep into your lungs- it’s a cramp guaranteed, breath deep or feel the side buckling pain.

Third wear a fold-off mitten or a runners shirt that can cover your hands, you’ll want those fingers covered at first but once your warmed up holding onto gloves and your dogs leash is too much.

That’s my expertise on running in the cold…by the way, if you are running with your dog I highly recommend the gentle leader, it’s NOT a mussel, but it allows you to run your dog and not the other way around, which comes in handy on cold mornings like these which I have noticed seem to pump my Abby girl up into an excited frenzy.

My coach told us, “the higher you fly the harder you fall.” I’ll never forget those words. They felt so true, we had built up hope upon hope, I had felt my spirit fly high and there it was, the fall, and boy was it hard. Slam! against the ground, shattered. I’ve tried to hold onto her advice but I just don’t think I am built for it, or at least I haven’t learned to manage my expectations. I am filled with passion, energy, and belief, I can’t help but hope for the best, the impossible, the unthinkable, the unreachable in myself, in others, and in life in general, that’s just a disaster waiting to happen.

And so when life takes those minor and sometimes major unexpected turns disapointment sets in. First there is this exhale of deflation, like you’ve been hit in the stomach and can’t quite breath, then depending on the loss, for me at least, a well of anger rises, and sometimes I get stuck here, not so healthy (or nice to be around), and then I settle somewhere between melancholy and apathy. Not so healthy either considering my true nature leans into joy and passion, but apathy can be a great coping mechansim, not.

The problem is, I do care and no amount of ignoring or pushing down the issue makes it go away. What I am learning to do, or at least what I see I need to do, is step back and let go of the controls. Because ultimately I can only take responsibility for my choices, behaviors, decisions, actions, feelings, beliefs, words, ways…This is under my control, everything else, not so much.

In managing my disapointment in life, and work, with friends, family, and our adoption I am learning to trust God more, to look for another path, a different way, one that I couldn’t see because I was blinded by what I thought was best and good, and maybe, just maybe there is something better, if I am not afraid to let go and just trust that its going to be okay, life will move on and some of these things, most of these things, I will look back on and laugh, like I do with myself crying over that stupid trophy. The bigger things don’t go away so easily, they nestle deep into your heart and hide and sometimes lift their head up when you hear a song, or a face, or a…

These are harder, these are the times that ask you to trust God even if it seems like He’s not there, that He’s not listening, like He doesn’t care, trust Him anyway, how weird is that right? A friend, Erwin McManus has a book called The Barbarian Way, it’s all about that, trusting and following God even when it appears that He’s not coming through for you- or at least in the way you think is best…good book, I think I’ll pick it up again.

Walk Abby for 30 days.  There is is, plain and simple. Take the dog for a walk 30 days in a row. It reachable, measurable, by golly, I think I can make it!  I can’t stand the treadmills at the gym, not to mention they hurt my shins- there is just something for me about being outside, in the fresh air- I’d prefer like a woodsy trail, but whatever, my neighborhood works fine.

I have two days under my belt so far so just 28 left to go. (of coarse the goal is also to make this a habit, ritual, routine, tradition, and all around every day obsession but the goal was to simplify, one goal at a time so as to reach it.  I mean, walk the dog every day for the rest of your life, who could keep that, it would snowball into utter failure and an overall sense of worthlessness and depression, okay, maybe not that drastic, but I do want to reach this goal, 30 days it is)

And by the way, I decided to blog about it to build in accountability, of coarse I won’t mention that that happens to be another goal of mine (spend more time writing) so I wont mention that either (or the fact that I want to run a marathon one day and if I don’t get used to running, a lot, I’m never gonna get there.)   One thing at a time. simple, reachable, 30 days…What was that old sketch from SNL, I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darnit people like me. Not sure why that came to mind, maybe it was like a built in pep talk, go Becky Go!

Problem is today its sort a rainy- which typically is awesome to go running in,  but Abby just got groomed (which not only is beautiful, but also expensive) so I am not so sure about the wet and slightly muddy paws…Ahhh!  So I think I am going to modify my goal, the key is building a goal that is reachable.  okay so like walk Abby 30 days by the end of February. Except that its Jan 29 and Feb only has 28 days which only gives me three rain days to forgo for her precious paws, but if I make it march that gives me too much slack the point here is discipline.  Do you like how I am negotiating with myself here,? So its decided,  I am sticking with the end of Feb goal. and here it is written down and memorialized and everything. Let’s do this thing!

What is it about a woman in business that is different from a man, more specifically, what part of her being a mother is more important than a man being a father? If a father can work and not be questioned, why should a woman?

I mean isn’t it important for both to play key roles in the development of their children’s lives?

And Furthermore, doesn’t that role of teacher/nurturer also fall on family, and friends, and neighbors.  The whole, it takes a village to raise a child isn’t just some random saying.  I think there is some false screwed up sense that tells  American women that they half to be an island, or that they half to stay at home and be Martha Stewart, (ironically, she was a working mother) I say American women because I don’t find this problem with other cultures there is a strong sense of community that connects women in other countries; however I do find there is a greater sense of discrimination among women oversees.

In that regard, I can’t complain- I am happy to have the rights I do as an American woman, and yet-somehow  it doesn’t quite add up in the minds of some.  It’s the difference of no one questioning the man who has five kids and travels non-stop on how he’s keeping his family together while balancing work but the working mom gets reemed with assumptions and judgments of her either being aloof to her family or selfish in general.

Since when did it become the responsibility of the woman to keep the family together isn’t that something that the husband and wife share? And if the man is never questioned, how are you balancing- why should the woman?  If a man is so competent then can’t the assumption be made that if his wife is working the man at home is playing a huge role in keeping the family together?  Since when does a marriage succeed with only one spouse giving their all, does it not take two, committed and loyal, passionate and dedicated to each other and their children?

And what’s the deal with singles questioning your ability to lead, as if being a mother somehow disqualifies you from anything other than motherhood? I mean, doesn’t everyone need to bring their lives in balance? Just because your single doesn’t give you permission to be a workaholic, addicted to your job right? Shouldn’t you, as a single individual look for ways to  develop relationships outside of your job in your community, through service, with friends, and even give yourself some  me-time…

I have to say I catch the most flack from singles, questioning, just how DO I do it…and I usually, ever so gracefully, talk about the delicate balance of being a mom first, about how it takes me and my husband, about how I have breakfast each morning with them at the table and am home after they finish their after school activities, about how we eat dinner at least four nights around the table and sit down to a home cooked meal at that, how I coach their soccer teams, and teach their Sunday school classes, read them stories, and build forts with them, walk our dog, and love their daddy, and in my head I am thinking -oh by the way- I do all of this and I get my job done too.

I think that makes me a pretty damn good leader.

So please excuse the tone of my frustration, it’s just that I have lost my grace for that question of just how I balance it and in the future I just may push back with- how the how the hell do you?

This morning though I’m driving along and the road was blocked off, apparently the bridge was out and we we’re all sent on a detour.  Normally I might have been frustrated, especially because I didn’t know exactly where the detour would take me, and I only have a quarter of a tank of gas, and I have a lot to do at work today and had hoped I’d get there early.  But this morning, I had just read Psalm 51…

Verse 17 says that the sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, broken with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent. (that’s my paraphrase from an amplified version) anyway, to me it’s all about surrender.  I think being humble before God is about yielding to what you think might be best and letting God lead you, kind of like this detour in my road this morning.

So, I opened my sunroof, cranked up my music and this song came on- “What can I do but thank you, what can I do but give my life to you, Hallelujah, What can I do but praise you, every day with everything I do Hallelujah, Hallelujah!” I just laughed and sang all the way to work.  Especially when the detour got me so stuck in traffic, what could I do, right- totally stuck and potentially lost and running out of gas!  So I just laughed and sang praises to God, I wish all life’s detours were that easy, I’ll have to tuck this morning lesson away in my heart.

My husband and I have what I would call a healthy sex life (I have a whole philosophy on that which I am not ready to blog about, one step at a time) however finding the time to be together can be, well, challenging.

So yesterday from the moment we kissed goodbye for work there was a lingering moment and words spoken that would have sent us right back inside the house if you know what I mean except for the fact it was 7:05am, I was late for work and the boys were late for school and well, life took precedence.

Later that day, at the soccer field, it was a beautiful fall afternoon- the air was cool, the sky was a brilliant blue, we laid ever so romantically on a big blanket while the boys had their practice- but hey, there was like 200 kids running around and we were in the middle of a church park!

Next, we went to out to dinner with my parents and from across the table I could see it in his eyes and his smile that he would like to find a little quiet corner somewhere- not gonna happen.

So we get home and the routine begins: help the boys with homework, make lunches for tomorrow, get them bathed, showered, teeth brushed, teeth flossed, hair dried, books read, prayers said, heads kissed, lights off and I run down stairs to find Chip.

It wasn’t the sight of Chip lounging on the sofa that told me no, it was what was on the television screen- I saw Tom Cruiz in a kimono weilding a sword, with one glance I knew, can you feel me ladies?! There is something about movies like The Last Samari, Braveheart, and Gladiator that just speak to the heart of a man.

(on a side note my friend writes really cool movie insights at movieglimpse.com)

Anyway, I knew I lost him at hello, just to be sure I reminded him that it was after 10 and I had to get up before 5 (I know, I know, real romantic right?!) But Samari it was, I could see it in his eyes.

The cool part about this is a year agp I would have totally taken this as rejection, in fact, I would have probably withdrew for a couple of days in a mopey funk- but we are in a totally different place now, we’re seeking to understand each other and really love each other and I could just see that he needed that down time (in ancient Japan…and I don’t care what they say Chip and I agree Tom should have got an Oscar for that role) So I went to bed happy, and hey- there’s always tonight!

Her mom is really struggling trying to find things Kaitlyn can eat, I can’t even imagine, planning meals is hard enough, dealing with multiple food allergies must be insane, not to mention difficult for Kaitlyn.

I asked her if we could pray for her, that God would make her all better and until she got a good report from her doctor that God would help her and her mommy find fun ways to eat the foods that are safe.

After we prayed, Sammy, my eight year old, was reminded of a scripture that he just learned at school and he shared it with Kaitlyn, it’s from Mark 2:17 and says that Jesus didn’t come for those who were well but he came for those who were sick. My heart was so proud as I watched my son share truth with his neighbor and friend.

Please join us in praying for God to heal Kaitlyn and that she gets a good report from her doctor when she goes in for her next round of tests.