There is nothing quite like it, hope rising, excitement building, anticipation of the unreachable and there it is- like a mac truck, slam all gone. I can remember being 8 or 9 years old at a cheer-leading competition, we usually took first place in dance and cheer, we had worked so hard and we got called for third place. Big deal right, it’s about trying your best, at least we placed, not! It was devastating, we were all crying, it was ridiculous.
My coach told us, “the higher you fly the harder you fall.” I’ll never forget those words. They felt so true, we had built up hope upon hope, I had felt my spirit fly high and there it was, the fall, and boy was it hard. Slam! against the ground, shattered. I’ve tried to hold onto her advice but I just don’t think I am built for it, or at least I haven’t learned to manage my expectations. I am filled with passion, energy, and belief, I can’t help but hope for the best, the impossible, the unthinkable, the unreachable in myself, in others, and in life in general, that’s just a disaster waiting to happen.
And so when life takes those minor and sometimes major unexpected turns disapointment sets in. First there is this exhale of deflation, like you’ve been hit in the stomach and can’t quite breath, then depending on the loss, for me at least, a well of anger rises, and sometimes I get stuck here, not so healthy (or nice to be around), and then I settle somewhere between melancholy and apathy. Not so healthy either considering my true nature leans into joy and passion, but apathy can be a great coping mechansim, not.
The problem is, I do care and no amount of ignoring or pushing down the issue makes it go away. What I am learning to do, or at least what I see I need to do, is step back and let go of the controls. Because ultimately I can only take responsibility for my choices, behaviors, decisions, actions, feelings, beliefs, words, ways…This is under my control, everything else, not so much.
In managing my disapointment in life, and work, with friends, family, and our adoption I am learning to trust God more, to look for another path, a different way, one that I couldn’t see because I was blinded by what I thought was best and good, and maybe, just maybe there is something better, if I am not afraid to let go and just trust that its going to be okay, life will move on and some of these things, most of these things, I will look back on and laugh, like I do with myself crying over that stupid trophy. The bigger things don’t go away so easily, they nestle deep into your heart and hide and sometimes lift their head up when you hear a song, or a face, or a…
These are harder, these are the times that ask you to trust God even if it seems like He’s not there, that He’s not listening, like He doesn’t care, trust Him anyway, how weird is that right? A friend, Erwin McManus has a book called The Barbarian Way, it’s all about that, trusting and following God even when it appears that He’s not coming through for you- or at least in the way you think is best…good book, I think I’ll pick it up again.
